I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
When are your genitals available?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
