I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
