i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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