i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
