She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
