Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
