Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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