Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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