I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
