I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
