All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
