The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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