I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
