maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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