I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
