If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
