she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
