I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
