Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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