Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
