Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Four minutes until I can fart!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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