Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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