this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
