I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
