We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
