i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
