why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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