Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she smelled like a LAN party
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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