Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
