when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
