I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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