Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
