38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
