There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
