when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
my poor anus
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
