I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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