I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think your dad took our porno
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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