I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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