I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
