If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I did not marry a roomba.
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