so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Randomize
