How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
