He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
