my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Randomize
