just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Someone came in the potted fern
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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