i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
