I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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