you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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