I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
