Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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